Will you call me ?

                  I remember that day . I was at Starbucks with Ally ;It was one of those rare lucky Saturday evenings when we found an empty spot . Ally had gone to collect our orders of caramel macchiatos while I was sitting on the couch just rummaging through my phone , suddenly coming across your name on my contact list . It has been a month by then , One month of me pretending to be alright , pretending that I had moved on , that not messaging you every night wasn't taking a toll on me , I knew that while I was spending my nights twisting and turning on my bed cursing the insomnia that was winning that battle , you were talking to her probably the same things we once spoke about , the same promises that we made that you are now making with her . I was marveled at what a wonderful actress I was cause I could wake up in the morning and pretend it was all ok . 

               And before that mask could have fallen down before Ally could see what bothered me I confessed "Could you delete his number Ally ? I am afraid I might call him if it stays there ." and without another word she obediently followed my command .  With your number gone, I waited to see how I could feel now. I wanted to feel quite and peace or anger or regret or anything ; but I was blank  Instead I wondered what if you call me now ? Only to  realize it has been a month . That I was probably long gone from your contact list and from your memories .I couldn't put a name to what I felt . I don't think there even is a name for that feeling . All I knew was this is not what I should have felt .

                      But I couldn't shake off the thought "what if you call?" maybe months from now or years later . When the screen on my cell phone will flash your number without a name something I should have long forgotten but have instead memorized . I'll pick up the phone hear you say "it's me" your deep throaty voice that once set my heart aflutter ,will now severe it from all it's arteries and drop it in the pit of my stomach,killing all the butterflies at once  . Probably I would be a better actress by then enough to pretend not recognize you or your voice. But I'll do I'll really do ,your voice speaks to me every now and then . Telling me about how you really liked that red dress I wore , the one that now hangs in my closet untouched wondering if she had one too;if you loved her in a red dress too .

                           I stay up wondering if you kiss her like you kiss me your head tilting towards right, your tongue dueling for control , your hand slowly making it's way up ; How you were an animal as a lover and yet gentle enough to never hurt me ; How you would lie upon me your forehead resting on my shoulder spent and content ; Your lips curling up in a smile as you kissed me again . Call me so I can ask you if you do the same with her . Call me so I can once again hear the same voice that I was nothing but a mistake , a voice that said that every moment we spent together was meaningless, A voice that said it loved another women while those lips kissed me . Call me so I can know if you though of her when you kissed me .The voice that told me that no matter how many times I forgive you, I sacrifice for you or love you I'd never be good enough .
                                When you'd call I might pretend to be busy , to slam the phone cause I need to repair the damage you'd do with your single hello . The truth is no matter how many times I play it over and over in my head . I have ruled out every possible scenario when I'll receive your call I have practiced how I would react . But truth be told I don't know how it'll be , How I would take it ? How many times will you successfully fool me and how many times I'd be happily fooled by you ? What I do know is No matter how I react How angry I will be , If I pretend to not care , Not be bothered by your phone call, At this End of the line I am trying not to break down , To stick to the script not to improvise be the good actress.
                              Cause at the End of the day you still live five miles away from me , one of these days our paths are bound to cross . I don't know where I'll be then, I don't know where you'll be then,All I know is this isn't the place to be , Still wondering what I will do if you ever decide to call me ....