happy birthday

It has been a long overdue
this letter was something i had kept hidden in my work folders
but for some reason i have decided to publish it

4 months earlier ....

I don’t even know why I am doing this … So far I did an amazing job letting everyone know I was OK . Almost convinced myself the same .. But here I am siting in front of the bright white computer screen my keyboard begging to be worked with .. I don’t know why I chose this day though ! Why on your birthday ? While I know you’ll be busy today with your friends smoking away  .. Or probably hanging out with her kissing her lips, your hand roaming her body like it did on mine not a long while ago .

Well let me not think about that . Cause I know you do not care about me existing at all now ,do you ? Truth be told I can’t stop feeling what I do . I know I shouldn’t but I do . I don’t know if you’ll ever find out about this but it’s fine . Let me write it anyways .

Ever since we .. let’s say break up .. cause I honestly don’t know what happened between us ..  I shouldn’t be this upset huh .. I wasn’t wronged , I didn’t get cheated on .. I got the better end of the deal as compared to her … But who am I kidding ? it’s just as worse …

Last night at the stroke of the midnight I woke up with an excruciating pain in my chest . Something shadowy with long talons for fingers dug it’s way out of my chest . I felt my flesh tearing apart . My bones breaking into pieces . I couldn’t breath . But the pain continued . I watched in horror as that creature dug it’s way out of my chest. But what amazed me was how clean it’s job was ! not a single drop of blood spilled on the bed sheet  . And when I could finally breath , I looked it straight in it’s eyes and it laughed – a shadowy dark figure with no face laughed at my face . It pinned me down on my bed . And made me relieve each and every moment I spent with you . Good and the horrible ones . Like a Dementor it sucked my soul out surrounded me with just one last text of yours “We should stop cause I love her” . And like a curse it echoed in my ears …. I love her I love her I love her I love her I LOVE HER .  Three words and it broke me into a billion little pieces my self esteem like shards of a broken glass that could never be gathered by bare hands …

It showed me the real reason why I acted the way I did . I was afraid . I was afraid that someday this painted mask of happiness will melt off and everyone will see the run down mascara and tear stained face that hides behind .

I am afraid that I will once again wake up in the middle of the night screaming . Afraid that if I stop feeling this I might not feeling anything at all . And most of all I am afraid that if once again our paths cross I won’t be able to turn around and walk away . I might walk back right into your arms . I will fall in love with you again but you will never .

And today I stood beneath your apartment and I wondered if you would see me today will you really see the ugly scars you left on my face  that I hide with make up everyday ?  would you notice that my eyes are puffy and swollen cause I haven’t slept a wink last night but have hidden them behind a pair of a  branded glares ? Would you even look at me ? Would you notice how it takes every fiber in my body to not breakdown and not cry ? Would you notice me at all ?

I don’t know if you’ll ever know what I feel ! I don’t know if we’ll ever see each other ! I don’t know what our destiny holds ! I don’t know how I am supposed to live ! What I know is that even if you don’t care I wish you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY !

6/12/15

An incomplete Ending !

                 A Young TV soap opera actress commits suicide . A beautiful , Ambitious , Hardworking and lovable woman chooses to End her life . Ending all of her dreams, happiness and most of all her own story . A story that now lays as a crumpled pile and torn out pages; Complied in one single suicide note . A TV soap actress who lived on this earth as long as I did. Who saw the same Dreams as I did - To make something worthwhile out of her life, to make her parents proud , find someone who would love her, She probably wanted to be a mother , grow old with a person she really loved , she was probably trying to find the purpose of her existence . But somehow her own life had become too much for her . Her dreams , Ambitions , Love none of it mattered because every morning that she woke up to now was a curse for her . Every breath was suffocating her . She was probably tired , and decided that it was time to sleep . Was she a coward ? You would say yes . For we do not side with people who run away , We pray for the glory of those who stay back in the battle field fighting like Abhimanyu till the last breath even though we don't choose it  . We call them Heroes, the survivors, fighters all of these adjectives that praise the heroism of this battle we call life . But we spit at the ones who turn around before the battle begins .
                    What we forget here is that life is not a battle field, it was never supposed to be one . It is supposed to be that one friend that doesn't leave your side till your very last breath. A friend who stood by you when you failed that math test and were afraid to tell your parents , It was the friend that was with you when you sent that "risky text" to your crush , It was the friend who would be with you in thick and thin but what happens when this very friend conspires against you . Makes you feel like a nobody, slowly feeding you with doubts and fears who chomp up your confidence like maggots . What do you do when you are just not permitted to forgive yourself ? What do you do when your one mistake outweighs every success you become a part of ? What do you do when you feel betrayed ?
                          Yes suicide wasn't a solution - She should have spoken to someone , taken professional help . It wasn't that she didn't . You don't have that huge turn out at your funeral if you don't make friends . And these "Friends" don't just pretend to know you . However these were the ones who told her to Move on . The ones who told her that they were too busy to talk to her . Or the ones who told her that her "problems" weren't serious enough ;She was overwhelmed,over-reacting that she just needed a drink or a smoke,just one drag and it will be Ok . Everyone goes through this -they have said-it's not that big a deal .
                              So she drank and smoked, Danced for as long as she wanted . drank so she couldn't think of the times she let herself down and let others down . Spent hours dancing in a discotheques so as to not spend them crying ; Cheered when Virat Koli hit a six when all she wanted to do was scream till her throat was parched and her tears were dry . Pretended that everything was just fine when in reality she was exhausted fighting the battle she never wanted to be a part of .
                       She was tired,exhausted,she just wanted a way out . If only someone had told her that there really was a solution and easy one at that giving yourself another chance, forgiving yourself . That it was ok to fail once or twice . that things fall into place .
                            There are many Pratyushas , Divyas and Jias walking among us fighting with their demons everyday of their lives . These are the stories that deserve to be told , that should have had another chapter but were ripped of way too soon . The world is deprived of many such wonderful stories , because we refused to listen to them when they were been spoken. So my friends listen up , listen to these stories as they are written so you can change them . Let there be no blank pages for our authors didn't get out of the bed . No loosely strung episodes for they were too drunk to write . And most importantly no incomplete endings ............