happy birthday

It has been a long overdue
this letter was something i had kept hidden in my work folders
but for some reason i have decided to publish it

4 months earlier ....

I don’t even know why I am doing this … So far I did an amazing job letting everyone know I was OK . Almost convinced myself the same .. But here I am siting in front of the bright white computer screen my keyboard begging to be worked with .. I don’t know why I chose this day though ! Why on your birthday ? While I know you’ll be busy today with your friends smoking away  .. Or probably hanging out with her kissing her lips, your hand roaming her body like it did on mine not a long while ago .

Well let me not think about that . Cause I know you do not care about me existing at all now ,do you ? Truth be told I can’t stop feeling what I do . I know I shouldn’t but I do . I don’t know if you’ll ever find out about this but it’s fine . Let me write it anyways .

Ever since we .. let’s say break up .. cause I honestly don’t know what happened between us ..  I shouldn’t be this upset huh .. I wasn’t wronged , I didn’t get cheated on .. I got the better end of the deal as compared to her … But who am I kidding ? it’s just as worse …

Last night at the stroke of the midnight I woke up with an excruciating pain in my chest . Something shadowy with long talons for fingers dug it’s way out of my chest . I felt my flesh tearing apart . My bones breaking into pieces . I couldn’t breath . But the pain continued . I watched in horror as that creature dug it’s way out of my chest. But what amazed me was how clean it’s job was ! not a single drop of blood spilled on the bed sheet  . And when I could finally breath , I looked it straight in it’s eyes and it laughed – a shadowy dark figure with no face laughed at my face . It pinned me down on my bed . And made me relieve each and every moment I spent with you . Good and the horrible ones . Like a Dementor it sucked my soul out surrounded me with just one last text of yours “We should stop cause I love her” . And like a curse it echoed in my ears …. I love her I love her I love her I love her I LOVE HER .  Three words and it broke me into a billion little pieces my self esteem like shards of a broken glass that could never be gathered by bare hands …

It showed me the real reason why I acted the way I did . I was afraid . I was afraid that someday this painted mask of happiness will melt off and everyone will see the run down mascara and tear stained face that hides behind .

I am afraid that I will once again wake up in the middle of the night screaming . Afraid that if I stop feeling this I might not feeling anything at all . And most of all I am afraid that if once again our paths cross I won’t be able to turn around and walk away . I might walk back right into your arms . I will fall in love with you again but you will never .

And today I stood beneath your apartment and I wondered if you would see me today will you really see the ugly scars you left on my face  that I hide with make up everyday ?  would you notice that my eyes are puffy and swollen cause I haven’t slept a wink last night but have hidden them behind a pair of a  branded glares ? Would you even look at me ? Would you notice how it takes every fiber in my body to not breakdown and not cry ? Would you notice me at all ?

I don’t know if you’ll ever know what I feel ! I don’t know if we’ll ever see each other ! I don’t know what our destiny holds ! I don’t know how I am supposed to live ! What I know is that even if you don’t care I wish you a HAPPY BIRTHDAY !

6/12/15